What Kind of Bystander are You?

Jody McVittie, MD

Have you ever listened to a speaker and felt enormous relief – not because the material was really new, but because it was articulated in a way that shifted how you felt or thought about things? I was fortunate to be able to hear Rosalind Wiseman (author of Queen Bees and Wannabees) speak at Mamacon last weekend – and my aha’s were too many to articulate in one column – so you my see glimpses of her wisdom sprinkled over a few weeks.

It turns out that one of the most powerful ways to reduce bullying is to make sure that the bystanders learn to have a voice. Research has shown that bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time when a bystander speaks up. Wow, a simple solution to a big problem, right? Wrong. It turns out that speaking up as a bystander is hard. We know that for adults, the bigger the group of bystanders watching bullying or violent behavior, the less likely it is that someone will speak up or do something to stop the problem behavior.

So if adults are so bad at it how in the heck do we get our children to do a better job? The good news: we can help. The hard news: it starts with us.

Imagine that your daughter and her friends are sitting hanging out in the family room – talking and texting and you hear, “Oh that is so gay!” Do you feel uncomfortable but remain silent because you don’t want to embarrass your daughter? Do you wait and talk about it in private afterwards? What do you do when you hear Uncle Alfred make a derogatory comment about women or children or people of a different race or sexual orientation? Do you just say to yourself or your children, “That’s Alfred, he is a little off color”?

What do you think that is teaching our children about how to be an effective bystander?

What could do you do instead?

Stop. Breathe. Notice what you are feeling. Know that your feeling is legitimate and that “mama bear” or “papa bear” energy is not the most effective way to move forward. Stay calm and think about what you’d like to do.

Speak. Tell the person what you don’t like and what you want. This takes practice to do calmly. “Using the word “gay” like that is a put down and we treat people with dignity in this house.” “I feel (offended, challenged, upset) when you say ________ because I’m working hard to teach my children to treat other people with dignity. (Not to make negative generalizations about people.)”

Stay put. When we speak up clearly and with integrity it can be surprising to those making the negative statements. They often respond with a defense, “Oh, I was just joking,” or a counter attack, “My we are thin-skinned today aren’t we?” It helps KNOW what might coming. Some useful responses are: “When you say you something like that and then say you are joking it means you are willing to hurt someone but not take responsibility for it.” Rosalind Wiseman’s other tip: when you are talking to a group of young people, let them know that it is fine with you if they talk to their parents about the conversation. After an invitation like that, they probably won’t, but if they do, it will not be an exaggerated tale of how outrageous you were. Instead they take you seriously.

Our children learn from our actions. Any question that what we DO matters? Read this story (3rd one down, from Heather) in Ask Amy.

Join us for a parenting talk Peaceful Parenting in a Fast-Paced World on June 14th at the Phinney Center. It is a benefit for Sound Discipline so we can expand our work in schools. Peaceful Parenting Flier here Registration here.
Photo credits: Zalouk Webdesign, Eddie-S

An Ode to the Wild Things

Contributed by Melanie Miller, M.Ed.

As you may have heard, children’s book author, Maurice Sendak recently died. Mr. Sendak is greatly known for his children’s book Where the Wild Things Are, and here in the Seattle area, for designing the sets and costumes for our beloved Pacific Northwest Ballet’s Nutcracker.

Where the Wild Things Are was a much loved book in our household, requested often, and timeless through the years. My thirteen year old daughter and I were talking about the book and she wondered how it could be so popular, how so many kids could like it and are not frightened by it. I have wondered the same thing. In fact, when my husband brought it home with great enthusiasm to read to our toddler children, I was certain it would scare them and keep us all up with nightmares! Fortunately, I didn’t squelch the enthusiasm as I am now learning what a gift this book was to my children and so many others.

When Mr. Sendak accepted his Caldecott Medal in 1964 for Where the Wild Things Are, he said, “It is through fantasy that children achieve catharsis. It is the best means they have for taming wild things.” (Seattle Times, May 10, 2012, p. A16) Catharsis is an “emotional cleansing,” a release of our feelings, a letting go. Our children are born into an adult world where many experiences are new, confusing and often scary. They are working hard at taming the wild things.

As a child growing up during the terrors of the depression, World War II and many of his European relatives dying in the holocaust, Mr. Sendak knew that monsters could be real. He helped “little minds make sense of frightening things in the larger world around them.” (Seattle Times)

As parents, we too can help our children make sense of the frightening things in the larger world around us.

• Listen. When our children share a fear that we think silly, inconceivable, unimportant….just listen and validate their feelings. Validate the realness of the fear. You won’t increase the fear; you’ll help your child move through it and past it. Listen so that your child will come to you again to share what’s on his or her mind.

• Allow children to tell their story. After experiencing something traumatic one of the most healing things our children can do is tell their story. Over and over and over again. Let them tell it until they don’t need to tell it anymore.

• Go to the library or a bookstore and get Where the Wild Things Are. Read as often as your children request it. And after reading it, be sure to have some fun “roaring your terrible roars” and “gnashing your terrible teeth”. It will teach children that they can have their fears and visit those scary places but with the love and guidance of a caring adult, they can return to life, move forward and laugh and connect with those they love.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

Photocredit: flyingpuppy

Celebrating Mothers

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

This Sunday, May 13th, 2012 is Mother’s Day. Growing up I remember one of the things my mother wanted on Mother’s Day was “time off.” It always confused me. Why did she want to celebrate being a mom by taking a day off from being a mom?

As a mother myself, I now have a deeper understanding and a lot of compassion for her. My mother grew up in an era when it was her job to take care of everything at home. When I look back to the magazine ads and early television of the 1950’s the messages to women were pretty clear. Your job is to keep the house in order, the children happy, cook all of the meals and still be fresh to greet your tired husband when he came home. Your job is to be self-sacrificing – and like it. Your wants and needs come second – if at all.

Of course, every family is different, but not all women thrived from these messages, some of which have subtly been passed down through generations. Sixty years later our culture has shifted in some ways and in others – not so much.

As a mother you may still do a big share of the household organization, shopping, cooking and generally making sure that the “operation works.” It is behind the scenes work that can be exhausting. It is often invisible, under appreciated and yet critically important. Of course you stay up at night with a child who has a fever or can’t breathe. Of course you worry when your teen stops talking, comes in later than she promised, or brings homes friends that don’t seem to treat her respectfully. And it makes a difference.

As a mother you may be contributing many hours to your children’s school, your community or you may be working one or more job’s – for the sake of your family’s well-being. And it makes a difference

Mom, take a moment to notice the impact you have had. You make a difference.

Here are some Mother’s Day ideas for Moms and the people who love them:
• Each time you hear an appreciation really let it in. You make a difference.

• Make a promise to keep nourishing yourself all year. Plan some “time – in.” What brings you joy? Is it dancing, art, hanging with girl friends, listening to music, shopping, a hobby, exercise or something else? Being a mother is who you are – but not all of who you are. Ask your family to help you make sure that you make time for yourself. You’ll be modeling (for your children) how to take care of yourself so you can make a difference for others.

• Take a moment to think about your own mother. If she is still alive are there unspoken appreciations that could be shared? Does she know that she made a difference to you? It wouldn’t hurt to tell her again.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org
And a BIG thank you for all your contributions May 2nd during GiveBIG!

Sharing and “Seeing Big”

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

Sharing is a hot topic in parenting class. Parents often ask, “How to I get my kids to share?” I think underneath they are asking even bigger and more important questions: “How do I teach my children to see the world beyond their skin?” “How do I teach empathy?” “How do I teach them to see the world through another person’s eyes so that they can be curious, compassionate and contribute to making the world a better place?” These are questions all of us ask – sometimes about our children, about our colleagues and yes – even about ourselves.

Development: The ability to share and to see the world from the perspective of another changes as brains grow. Not until children are 6 – 8 months old do they begin to understand that they can interact with a world that is not just “them.” That is when you start to see experiments with the outside world – like dropping food from a high chair and peek-a–boo as well as misunderstandings about the outside world (not being sure that you will come back when you leave the room.) Toddlers have a sense of property that is different than ours (if I see it it’s mine, if I want it it’s mine, if I’ve been playing with it it’s mine, etc) and though they can take turns with practice, they don’t usually develop the sense of sharing until they are about three. Sharing then gets easier until hormones hit the adolescent brain and the world gets refocused around “me” again.

The sense of “enoughness.” In order to share children need to have a sense that there IS enough and that they ARE enough. They learn from the adults around them. They learn from what we say – but more often from our body language and what we do. When we convey the sense of enoughness to our children daily they will absorb and learn. If, like many of us, you grew up with the idea that you were not good enough or smart enough or good-looking enough or worked hard enough or were not strong, thin, happy (etc) enough this can be a stretch and … it is doable.

Hints for growing the ability to share and see the world through other’s eyes:

Keep development in mind:
Sharing and seeing the world through others eyes are important life skills but expecting success before your child’s brain is developmentally ready or before they’ve had lots of time to practice will leave both of you frustrated and not feeling like you are “enough.”

Model enoughness:
• Begin to notice your own sense of “I’m not enough” and practice reminding yourself that you don’t need to be perfect to be enough. Good enough is, well, good enough.
• Use encouragement instead of praise. Encouragement is the space we make for others to become their best selves. We can do this best by reflecting strengths instead of pointing out faults or how things should be.
• Practice living from the attitude that there is enough. Sometimes that is a hard vision to hold when you are trying to make ends meet in tough times. Children can learn about sharing and others when we continue to be generous. It might be a small contribution at church, or bringing food for a food drive, or helping an elderly neighbor bring in groceries – but even when times are tough – there is room to share time or resources with someone who might have less.
• As a family develop rituals and practices for growing gratitude and generosity.

A city-wide opportunity for sharing: May 2nd, 2012 is the 2nd Annual GiveBIG day in Seattle. It is a day to acknowledge and celebrate the hundreds of organizations big and small that work tirelessly to create a better community for all of us.

We would appreciate your investment in us. Join in between midnight and midnight on MAY 2ND. You can donate anytime, but on May 2nd, the Seattle Foundation adds to your donation. You can donate directly here. If you are stretched financially you help us by forwarding this to friends and family. Better yet, do both! Join us on Facebook and repost, follow us on twitter and retweet. Your support means that we can continue to support parents, parenting educators and teachers to build stronger and more respectful relationships. We teach people to do the right thing even when no one is looking. Thank you very much!

Photo Credit:theloushe

Support for your Parenting: It can make a difference

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

When was the last time you had one of those “bad parent days?” Maybe it was an awful fight between siblings, an extremely difficult bedtime routine that ended up with you yelling or hitting your children, or maybe you got so frustrated for another reason that you said something you wish you had never said. You flipped your lid. Then later you felt bad about it. Maybe even awful.

Even though you may have felt very alone – you are part of an enormous club. This scene played out in my house and every parent I have met has bad moments like these … but they rarely talk about them. The stories remain hidden in lonely closets of shame. To make things worse, many of us remember promising ourselves that we would never treat our own children the way we were treated.

You are not alone! Some things to remember:
- There is a difference between I am a mistake and I made a mistake.
- What happened is not likely to permanently scar your child. You can make a repair after you are calm and your child is calm (it could be hours or days later): briefly acknowledge your mistake (without excuses), express regret and tell your child your plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again, or, at least, happens less often. Repairs bring families together.

Find support from others.
- Support helps us remember: we are not alone.
- Support helps us calibrate our standards. Watching TV, reading stories about parents who do amazing things can make us forget that we aren’t hearing the whole stories. Behind closed doors no family is perfect.
- Support helps us have the courage to be imperfect.

What you can do:
- Find a listener who is good at empathy (or be that listener for someone else).
- Join a parenting group or take a class. Most parenting groups include people like you who are trying to be the best parent they can be…and have times that they really struggle. (Most parenting educators have plenty of those moments too.) For a list of classes check our website.
- Follow us on Facebook, Twitter or here on our blog for short tips. - - Ask for help. Sometimes friends and other parents don’t feel like enough. Your family physician, pediatrician or your child’s school counselor will have names of other resources. Sound Discipline also has a list of parenting coaches.
- Take a breath. Be kind to yourself.

Speaking of support: Sound Discipline produces this newsletter/blog to support parents in our community. Your support helps us share what we are doing with more parents, more teachers and more school administrators. May 2nd, 2012 is the Seattle Foundation’s second annual GiveBIG community fundraising. Donations made on May 2nd through the Seattle Foundation website share matching funds from generous supporters of GiveBIG. We’d appreciate your support on May 2nd. Thank you!

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Join us in growing respect and equity in our community. Your investment in us is an investment in families, schools, young people and our collective future. www.SoundDiscipline.org

Photo credit: *¦·sindorella·¦*

Tangled in Time

Contributed by Jody McVittie

Have you heard these words recently? “We don’t have enough time to…” “I don’t have time for this.” “We are going to be late!” “It is time to…” I hear these words coming out of my own mouth and out of the mouths of many of the families I work with. I’m fascinated with the language that describes our relationship with time. I can “make time,” “spend time,” “manage time,” “have time” (or not), or… things are “time consuming” or “time-wasting.”

The sense of time as a finite consumable is an adult construction. My hunch is that our relationship with time creates quite a bit of stress for ourselves and others.

I don’t claim any expertise here. I’m writing because I feel a bit tangled in time myself. So what follows are just observations and places to explore. Can thinking about time differently reduce stress? If you are about to embark on spring break, how could a different sense of time shift your perspective?

Some thoughts:

Our children have a different sense of time. Young children, especially, live in the present. They care more about your presence and connection than about what “needs” to be “done.” What kind of richness might we find in that perspective?

When we play or are having fun we use different expressions for time. In some ways we tend to flow with time instead of trying to manage it. What makes play different? What could we do to play at life?

What do I really want? When I ask myself that question there is a flippant inner voice that says, “All of course!” It is my own way of avoiding the process of reflecting on what really matters to me. It is easier not to think about this question. But even a fluid answer would give a me a useful compass.

What would be a baby step to begin to change my relationship with time – so that I could live a little more in the present moment, feel a little more gratitude for what is instead of paying attention to what needs to be done, feel more spaciousness, or experience a sense of truly being with those I love?

What helpful questions do you use to begin to untangle time and reduce stress? What is helpful in your family? Leave us a comment – in your own “time.”

Photo credit: adesigna
Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

Empathy or Sympathy?

Contributed by Jody McVittie, MD

Last week I wrote about empathy and the practice of seeing the world through “their eyes” without judgment. That is the first part of empathy. The second part is being able to “get” the other person’s feelings and communicate to that person that they are understood. This is hard – and sometimes really uncomfortable. There is a natural urge to “help,” to “fix” or to “feel sorry for” the other person.

Sometimes it is uncomfortable enough that we resort to sympathy instead. What is the difference between empathy and sympathy? The dictionary doesn’t help much but they feel different. Brené Brown (of TED talk fame) helped me understand the distinction in a useful way. She paints a picture. Imagine your friend is having a hard time. You could picture her as being in a deep dark hole. If you were using empathy you might down into the hole with her but with a ladder in your backpack. Words are not as important as your presence. You are not stuck there, but for a while you are with her. You can relate to your friend, but you also can easily climb out of the hole. Sympathy in contrast, she says, is like standing on the edge of the hole, looking down into the deep, saying something like, “I’m so sorry you feel so bad.” It maintains a sense of safe separateness that might easily invite the person “in the hole” to feel more, not less, alone.

Empathy conveys connection; it invites us, according to Brown, “to access our own experiences to connect with the other person.” It is about “being with” instead of “fixing” or “making the other person feel better.”

The challenge for week:
Practice “getting” the other person’s feelings and communicate to that person that they are understood without fixing or feeling sorry. This is particularly hard with our children. One reason is that our mirror neurons are particularly sensitive around those we love. When our child is miserable we feel that pain too. Of course we’d rather not – so our response is to try to fix the situation for our child so that we can feel better.

Tools for connecting without fixing or feeling sorry for (part two of empathy).

• Use your body. Take a breath, slow down and be with your child. Your mirror neurons can give you a sense of what he or she is feeling. Don’t do something, just sit there.

• “It seems like you feel _____ because_______ and you wish______. (The wish can either be quite realistic or a little bit humorous – trust your gut to see which will fit.)

• “I notice that you look like you are feeling ______. Want to talk about it?” (Then zip your lips and listen.)

• Reach back to your own experiences – with the intent to connect not to fix. “It seems like you feel_____ because your friend was mean. I can remember how awful it felt when my friend Carol said things behind my back. No fun.” (Then listen.)

Notice: None of these ideas indicate that you are “sorry” that they feel that way, that your child needs to “snap out of it,” or that you are sure he’ll feel better soon. Instead they convey that a variety of emotions are a normal part of the human experience, and they are not alone.

Share what you learned. Leave a comment here or follow us on Facebook. We share other’s great parenting tips there as well.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

Photo credit: Josstyk