At parenting talks one of the questions that comes up very frequently is, “Why is it that my kid wants to negotiate about EVERYTHING?” Why not? Do you remember trying to convince your parents to do something? Influencing adult behavior is fun. It feels powerful. And… it often works.

It as if we say, “No, that door is closed,” and yet something about our tone of voice or our posture or our words gives our child the idea that the door isn’t completely closed. She sees a glimmer of light shining through a tiny crack – and then the game is on.

As the parent it doesn’t always feel so great when all of your positions get shaved away by your budding courtroom lawyer. It is exhausting. Setting limits firmly and still honoring the dignity of your child isn’t really hard, but it takes practice. Here are some basic steps.

Before you open your mouth:

Know your ground and own it as yours. You are the leader of your family. Find your clarity about why this is important and why it concerns you. (“I don’t feel safe having you drive home at 3 AM on New Year’s Eve.” “In our house we have an agreement that jobs get done before you go play on Saturday.” “I call the other parent when you stay overnight so I can be comfortable.”)

Be ready for tough feelings. Know that your child may not like your limits and may call forth drama to get you to change your mind. See if you can begin to appreciate the enormous creativity and be calm through their disappointment or anger.

Find a calm centered body to deliver the news. You can emanate a sense of respect and confidence from that place.

If you are surprised by a request and aren’t sure of your answer (you don’t know your ground) a helpful response is, “I don’t know how I feel about that yet. I need a little while to think about it. Check back in an hour.” To, “But I need to know now!” you can respond, “If you need to know now the answer is ‘no.’ I can see how much you want this and I have to figure out how to make it work for me too. That will take a little time.” Be honest about mixed feelings.

When you get ready to speak:

Connection first. It is important for your child to know that they have been heard. “I know you really want to play longer and… (it is time to go, it is bedtime etc.)”
Speak in the first person. “I am not comfortable with you staying out that late on a school night.”

Let the routines be the boss. “In our house we turn the internet off at 9.”

Be open to problem solving. If you are comfortable with the request but can’t seem to solve a logistics problem engage them in solving the problem. “I hear how much you want to go to Jen’s party tomorrow. But I can’t figure out how to make it work because we won’t be there to pick you up. How can we solve that so it will work for both of us and not create a burden for another family?”

Free 2 hour parenting talk open to the public on Feb 23rd. If you are in Seattle you are welcome to join us. Child care is NOT provided. Here is the information: flier 2 12
Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

It is “that” time of year again: when the grocery stores and drug stores take on a certain shade of red. Retailers take advantage of this time of year to “celebrate” love. I believe that some of the commercial hoopla adds to our general confusion about what love is.

If you take a memory trip back to your childhood do you remember how you knew you were loved? What did that person do or say that gave you the message that you were loved? This is what we hear from parents (and teachers) tell us:

That person:
Listened
Played with me
Taught me things
Trusted me
Let me teach him things
Came to my events
Left me love notes
Knew what I liked for dinner
Had eyes that sparkled when I entered the room
Read to me
Comforted me
Stood up for me
Laughed with me
Held me accountable
Believed in me
Hugged me
Used nicknames
Had family traditions
Told me that she loved me
Had faith in me – even when I made some stupid mistakes.

Notice something? Not too many fancy shoes or toys or games or “things” on that list. When we get right down to it, love isn’t about what we get, it is about how we are with each other.

Who do you love? How do they know it?

It is always a great time of year to let people know you care. Sometimes though, all that red in the grocery store could be a gentle reminder about how to be (instead of what to buy.)

Need a few more ideas for how to share your love?

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

Words. Even though much of how we communicate (more than 70% in some studies) is through our non-verbal expression, words still make a difference. We all know from experience that what we “send” is not necessarily what the receiver “hears.” Another way to think about words is to ask, “What is the word inviting from the other person?” What kind of pathway is opening or closing in response to the words I’m using?

As parents and educators we often find ourselves in the position of wanting to guide or teach young people. We want them to grow up to be healthy, considerate and capable adults. We want them to be able to think and use common sense. One way to help young people grow these abilities is to practice asking instead of telling. Even though the words are similar, the impact is very different. When we tell our child what to do, they don’t have to think. When we ask, their brain has to start moving.

Even the words we use in asking can make a difference. Try this with a friend or colleague or even your child:

Ask her to try an experiment with you. Ask her to fold her hands together by lacing the fingers between each other. (You can do it with her). Then ask her, “What did you do?” She will probably tell you that she put her fingers together. Ask her, “How did you do it?” She will probably give you a bit of a crazy look and tell you that she just put her fingers together. Finally ask her, “Why did you do it?” Most likely, she will tell you that it was because you told her to.

Notice that when we ask people “what” and “how” questions that they will often respond from a place inside themselves, an “internal locus of control.” They own their own behavior. “Why” questions often (not always) have us looking outside ourselves for explanations. We get defensive. “He made me do it.” “She started it.”

Here is are two challenges for this week:
- Start listening to how your children respond to your “asking” and “telling.” Are they using an internal locus of control – or looking outside for the source of their behavior? What makes them think?
- Practice “what” and “how” questions. How long can you engage your child by being curious and using questions? (Remember to really listen to the answers.) Here are some of my favorites:
* What is your plan?
* How do you see that working?
* What was our agreement about (the dishes, the laundry, the garbage, media time)?
* How do you think (person) might feel about that?
* What else might work to solve that problem?
* What needs to happen before you go (play, watch a movie, visit a friend)?

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

As a parenting educator, one of the complaints I hear is, “My children don’t do what they are supposed to do. I have to tell them over and over and over again.” It reminds me of one of the very first successes I had after taking parenting classes. After the success I had another aha: “What I was doing wasn’t working and yet I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting my child to do something different.” I just hadn’t seen it that way. Before I was upset that my child wouldn’t change. It hadn’t occurred to me that I hadn’t changed either. Why did I expect a different result?

So why don’t kids do what we tell them to do? Radical thought: maybe because we are telling them. When you tell someone what to do they don’t have to think. They can listen or not listen – but then it goes away. Your daughter doesn’t have to think about or notice the mess, or her unfinished homework, or the chore she didn’t do or remember to write a thank you note. You are doing the noticing (and reminding) for her. In fact, when we parents do all the noticing and telling their brains don’t have to engage much at all! What a life!

Except of course, that we nag and get resentful. That isn’t much fun for us. (They just tune us out – which makes us even more resentful.)

Here is the good news. When we change what we do, our children will (slowly) change what they do. When you ask, or notice and ask your child’s brain has to engage to respond. That brain has to start its gears moving. Not only that, your child begins to notice and think…two very important functions to be responsible (response-able). Are you ready?

Instead of, “It is time to do your homework,” try, “I’m noticing that you haven’t done your homework and there is only one hour until bedtime, what is your plan?

Instead of, “Put your dishes in the dishwasher,” try “What did we decide would happen when you are done eating?”

Instead of, “Before you go to Katie’s house you need to get your chores done,” try, “Yes you can go to Katie’s but there are a few things that need to be done first. Do you remember what they are? (Then listen and make sure that the two of you agree on the list.)

One more hint: In general, “what” and “how” questions are much more well received than “why” questions. More on that topic next week.

When we practice asking instead of telling we are doing more than teaching responsibility. We also are indicating as sense of faith and trust in our child that they can see and solve the problem. And we build connection, trust and respect.

Would you like more parenting tools? We have two free parenting talks coming up. One on January 26th, the other on February 23rd. For details check out our calendar.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website.

I am a talker by nature. I always have been. In high school I was on the debate team, in college I was the one hogging the hallway phone, and later in life I married a quiet, patient man whom I do not have to compete with to continue my babbling. You can imagine the shock when my daughter did not say a single word (not even mama!) until over 21 months old. My mother said it was because she couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Fortunately this does not carry over into my day job. As a school psychologist, I spend my day listening to children tell me their good news, bad news, and hopes. I know how therapeutic it is to let them be heard, and encourage them to “tell me more.” Then I go home and try to practice the art of listening with my own now chatty daughter. After all, if I am not listening to her, then how can I expect her to learn through my example? This simple Positive Discipline parenting tool from Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline Tool Cards* can have profound effects, and is titled Listen:

Listen:
Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.

1) Notice how often you interrupt, explain, defend your position, lecture or give a command when your child starts to talk to you.

2) Stop and just listen. It is okay to ask questions such as, “Can you give me an example?” or, “Is there anything else?”

3) When your child is finished, ask if he or she is willing to hear you.

4) After sharing, focus on a solution that works for both of you.

Try it out – see how it works for you.

*If you would like to have more tools to play with, the Positive Discipline Tool Cards are available as an iPhone or Android app or you can buy a deck of cards. You can also follow Jane Nelsen’s blog that focuses on a different parenting tool each week.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website.

As a school counselor, when a girl walks into my office nine times of ten it is to talk about a friendship issue. I hear reports of glares, rumors, hurtful put downs, friends one day and exclusion the next. Nearly every girl is affected by girl bullying also known as relational aggression either by providing the hurt, receiving the hurt or watching it happen to others. Relational aggression has been a part of our girls’ world for a long time. It often happens between friends and can result in long-term, devastating hurt for those involved. As parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and caregivers, we can support the girls we love through these heartbreaking times. Here are a few ideas to help you support the girl that you love.

Find out all you can about relational aggression. Read books and articles. Share them with the other parents and caregivers in your community. A few books to consider: Odd Girl Out, Simmons; Girl Wars, Dellasaga & Nixon; Queen Bees and Wannabes, Wise. A great website: www.opheliaproject.org.

Open communication channels. Start by listening. Our goal should be for her to want to talk to us again, not for us to make our point. Ask open-ended questions that show a sense of curiosity. Use questions that invite: ”What happened next?, Who said that?, What did you do?” Avoid giving advice or asking “Why” questions. (“Why” questions invite your daughter to feel defensive or blamed.)

Listen to the whole story. Sometimes venting is all that needed.

Focus on your girl fully, without the distraction of a computer, phone etc.

Give her a hug and validate her feelings. ”This is tough, and it isn’t any fun – and I have faith that we can work it out.” “Wow, I can tell how hurtful that was.” Remind her that you love her – no matter what.

Be a fact finder. Focus on the objective details rather than emotions. When she can give words to her problem, she gains power over it.

Take care of your self. It is hard when your loved one is hurting (or hurting others.) Watch your body language and your tone of voice. Keep listening even when it hurts.

Your goal should be to help her see alternatives and to promote growth through the situation, rather than to assign blame. Ask if there is something that she could say to the other students. Practice it with a role-play. Be accepting if all she can say is “I hate your guts.” She doesn’t need to say it to the others but she can voice it to you.

Help her reconnect with the knowledge that she does have other friends. After you’ve done a lot of listening and validation, gently remind your daughter of the positive relationships she has in other areas of her life; ie: soccer, girl scouts, church groups etc.

And when it gets to be too much for you and your daughter, seek help. Contact your school counselor or other professionals familiar with relational aggression.

Adapted from: Girl Wars; 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying, Dellasega & Nixon, 2001

If you would like to learn more about relational aggression, please contact Sound Discipline or Melanie Miller (206.579.2172). Melanie does classes for parents and daughters on this topic and trainings for school staff. You can also listen to a teleconference that Melanie gave on the subject (the link will be up in a few days).

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

A lot is written this time of year about what we “resolve” to do for the future. Goals are great but it can be really discouraging when, despite good intentions, they are not met. Way too often when I look at last year’s resolutions I realize that I didn’t exactly walk in the direction of my intentions. And then I get frustrated. They were big dreams. I take small steps.

This year I’m trying something different.

• I’m aiming smaller. When I aim big, I don’t follow through so I don’t meet my goal. Taking small steps in the direction I want will create some movement. Instead of aiming for more “connection” which is a big-hard-to-measure dream, I’m going to listen more. It is doable and something that I can take in small pieces.
• I’m setting up a practice. What can I do each day or week that will move me one small baby step closer? This one I’m going to take month by month. For January I’m going to practice not interrupting. I know I’ll make lots of mistakes, especially when I’m feeling enthusiastic, but each day I am going to practice slowing down just a little before I speak.
• I’m going to hold curiosity and compassion about what happens when I try smaller steps. (Patience? Who me? Maybe that is one for next year!)

How about you? What small steps would you like to try?

• If you do this with your partner, your children or your whole family what small steps could you take?
• What kind of ritual could you make for the end of each month to look back on the small piece you aimed for?
• How would it feel to have made progress? What could you learn if you didn’t?

We’d love to hear your stories!

Here is another mother’s set of dreams for 2012.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website

Confession: I can’t listen to people who talk about “stress-free” holidays. I don’t think that they are connected to reality. Maybe it’s just me, but there is something about the holidays that put my dreams about what it means to be a “good parent” on a collision course with real life – and they always make contact. Sometimes it is messier than others. They are most certainly not stress-free. My goal now is to keep the chaos down to a dull roar and to admit that my disappointment (when my unrealistic expectations aren’t met) is making things worse, not better. So what are some strategies to have more fun and less frenzy?

• Stress and the brain. There is more and more science about the impact of stress on your brain. For example we now know that our abilities to self-regulate and maintain self-control wear out as we get tired, hungry, or more stressed. (Marketing experts put this to good use. You will impulse buy more if you are over stimulated or tired while shopping.)

• Reboot your stress meters. Expect your normally charming children to “lose it” even when they “know better” during the holidays. Help them plan for islands of quiet or peace in the day so they can re-boot their stress meters. Join them or plan some of your own. Quiet time and play are two good ways to start over.

• Less is more. Fewer things and fewer activities. When we ask parents how they knew they were loved as children what was important was how the adults were being (listened, played, hugged) instead of the activities or things. Around the holidays adults can be busy being busy with lists and “to dos” and we forget that the gift of our presence is the best of all.

• Stay with routines. Routines (including chores) are the structures that give a rhythm, familiarity and safety to a child’s day. If you are travelling and the rhythm is different, think about what kinds of things can be put in place so that you and your children know what the patterns will be. It might be an illustrated calendar of who and when you are visiting or a simple sit down breakfast each morning that brings you together. Have the children help figure this out.

• QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally). When your child blows out or the dinner doesn’t turn out as well as you wanted or Uncle Jeremy picks a fight during dessert, find the place in you that can notice your disappointment without blaming yourself. See if you can gently step into the jungle of that disappointment with some curiosity. “This didn’t go according to plan, I wonder what we will learn from this?” Some of the most amazing (and hilarious) family stories come from events that were unpleasant surprises to begin with.

• Remember what you really want. It isn’t really the picture perfect meal or having everyone happy. We settle for happiness – but what we really want is connection. It is those moments of sharing, of hugs, of loving looks, of gratitude and generosity toward others that is what the season is really about.

May you have a holiday of connection, love and gratitude, even if it isn’t “stress – free.”

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

Helping them create a time-in space. A time-in space is a place your child can go to feel better; to find her better self before coming back to try again. Do this at a time when she is not upset. It can be a place she can listen to some music, draw or simply cuddle up and feel better. Some families get elaborate and decorate a corner. Some children choose a cozy spot under a table or on a soft chair. You can role-play some situations and so she gets practice calming down.

Time-in with a young child. For a young child this can be as simple as temporarily moving her to another focus. “I can tell you are upset. You will be able to handle this when you feel better. Would you like to come read with me for a few minutes? (Cut up bananas for dinner? Play with water in the sink while I cook?) Then you can come back and solve the problem.”

“I need a hug.” Asking for a hug from your child is an invitation to reconnect. A nice long hug can be a powerful way for her to reconnect and return to her better self.

Remember development. The ability to self-regulate grows as our brain develops. The prefrontal cortex where we manage our self-regulation isn’t fully developed until age 25. Your 3 year-old cannot calm herself as well as your 6 year-old or as well as adults.

Increasing awareness. To be able to self regulate children need to be aware of their bodies and their emotions. Games like, “Where are your elbows?” and teaching words for feelings helps children notice and make meaning of their sensations in a useful way.

Modeling. Modeling self-regulation with emotional honesty helps our children learn.

Connection. Sometimes just naming the feeling and the problem is enough for a child to help herself come back. “Ooh, you look mad. The blocks fell when the building was almost done.”

Connection and correction. “You look mad and disappointed, and it isn’t okay to throw things in the house.”

Jane Nelsen’s book, Positive Time Out, is a great resource for more “Time in” ideas.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org

This is Thanksgiving week in the United States. It can be a stressful time for families. We often focus on things we “have” to do, meals that “need” to be prepared and family gatherings that are important parts of our annual rituals. Often we measure ourselves against a standard that can’t possibly be met: the turkey has to be done perfectly, the potatoes smooth, the pie beautiful… and it all has to be ready on time… and we want everyone to be well-behaved and to enjoy themselves.

It doesn’t sound like a recipe for enjoyment to me.

What would happen if the focus were less on the “production” and more on “connection?” What if the meal didn’t have to turn out exactly as expected but the family at the table told great stories or even stories that had never been heard before? What if you learned about Grandpa’s trip across the country, or how Aunt Ruth was the first person in the family to go to college? What if at the end of the day you felt closer to the people you define as family?

Here are some ideas for a more connected holiday

• Ask the family to help. Whether you are at home or someone else’s guest, as you plan your Thanksgiving sit down with your children and make a list of things that need to be done. Ask how they might want to help make this the “best Thanksgiving ever.” The list can include things like setting the table, cutting carrots, collecting small bags of things to do while travelling. It can include things like giving each other friendly reminders about manners or helping each other cooperate. Everyone over 2 years of age can contribute something. Your children will appreciate being part of the process.

• Think about the elders in your family. How might your children get to know a little bit more about their lives? Help them think of questions that they might ask. Think of some of your own. One of the most interesting mornings I remember with my own children is the hour and half that they spent listening to their grandfather’s stories of what it was to enlist at age 17 (he lied to the recruiter) and what it his experiences with his buddies during World War 11. It was a long and captivating breakfast. Think about bringing your tape recorder. I so wish we had had ours going that morning! StoryCorps has ideas for documenting family stories. www.StoryCorps.org

• Sharing gratitude. Have your children think of ways that they can share gratitude. Some families have a ritual of having everyone share one thing that they are grateful for before the meal starts. Some families have the children make “gratitude cards” as a project while the adults are gathering. This year StoryCorps is focusing on thanking teachers. For more information check out http://nationaldayoflistening.org/ (Share some of your ideas with us by commenting on our blog.)

• Take care of yourself. Your children will be happier when you are enjoying yourself. This might mean aiming for “easier” instead of fancier when you are making plans for the meal. It might mean planning a bit more ahead to avoid a last-minute rush. It might mean being gentle with yourself or taking an extra long bathroom break to calm down. It might mean remembering that you are still the most important person in your child’s life – even when things aren’t quite what you hoped or expected.

We are grateful for you our readers! We wish you a Thanksgiving filled with love and connection.

Sound Discipline is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Your donations make a big difference and help us produce newsletters like this. You can donate at our website www.SoundDiscipline.org