Capable children see themselves as competent and powerful. They are able to handle challenges and age-appropriate tasks at each stage of development. They can manage their own emotions and can get along with others. How can parents help their children develop this sense of capability?
- Let your child try to do things on his own from a very young age. Don’t be too quick to jump in and fix. Step back and watch for a minute and be ready to support if needed.
- Encourage rather than praise. “You worked hard on that,” or “Tell me about your project,” is more effective a more effective practice than praise.
- Help your child learn that mistakes are opportunities to learn. As Ms. Frizzle of the Magic Schoolbus said, “Get messy. Take chances.” Children can be encouraged to figure out what happened, how it happened and what to do differently next time.
- Be curious and listen. Asking “What?” and “How” questions helps children begin to think things through.
- Affirm your child’s ability to impact the world. This helps her see herself as powerful. All children will learn reasonable limits to their power (e.g. I can’t make the sun come out and neither can Mommy). The more opportunities your child has to influence their world, the more she will see herself as capable. (e.g. If I stand on this stool, I can turn flip the switch and light up the room)
Children develop an internal sense of who they are from birth. Relationships with others play a pivotal role in building their identity and sense of belonging. This begins, of course, with primary caregivers and other family members, and then expands to include friends, school and community.
Giving children messages of love, respect, and encouragement empowers them to feel that they belong and that they matter. They then have confidence to voice their views and opinions, to make decisions and to develop the skills they will need in life.
- Know and support your infant’s natural rhythms (eating, sleeping) and respond to their needs consistently, and with congruency. That means feeding when they are hungry, changing when soiled, and soothing when upset.
- Spend one-on-one time with toddlers, following their lead, allowing opportunity for interaction and affirmation. Invite them to talk about experiences and feelings.
- Support preschoolers in thinking about themselves, who they are, their abilities, and interests. Create opportunities for them to talk, listen and be heard.
- Involve elementary age children in their community. Encourage them to understand and take part in customs or celebrations that reflect their culture and to experience the diversity of the wider community.
- Encourage adolescents to talk with you about friends and developing relationships. What qualities are important to them in friends, teachers or teammates? How do they see themselves as a part of the groups to which they belong?
For all ages:
- It is important to contribute to the family in useful ways. Brainstorm a list of family work. Invite your children to decide which tasks each child can do on a regular (daily) basis.
- Clear guidelines and expectations also help children belong. One of the common mistakes is thinking that children only belong when they are happy. As parents it is not our job to keep our children happy. Connecting, setting limits, teaching appropriate behavior and having family customs and routines are all part of the job of being a parent.
- Connect before correct. When your child misbehaves, it is helpful to remember to connect first. “I can tell you are mad, and in our family we don’t hit other people.”
Research tells us that in schools, students who feel a positive connection – a sense of belonging – with both peers and adults, are in general, more caring and ethical, less prone to behavior problems, and more academically motivated. Children who feel a sense of identity within the group tend to be well-adjusted and successful. How do we encourage that sense of belonging in our schools and classrooms?
- First impressions are important. Create an inviting, welcoming entrance to your classroom. Personalize with students’ names or photos in elementary school.
- Be present. Meet your students at the door and briefly connect with each one.
- Be culturally aware. We all live in the bubble of our own culture and often don’t know what we don’t know. Get to know the students and families who come from a culture that is not yours. Begin to notice your own unconscious biases. (We all have them). When all children are welcomed they develop a sense of belonging, feel secure, and know they have a place.
- Vary groupings. Create opportunities for students to connect with students they would not usually seek out. They will learn things about each other when they are collaborating and engaging around meaningful learning.
- Involve students in creating class guidelines. The process of agreeing on what a learning community can be gives children ownership and a deep sense of belonging. Revisiting and re-evaluating the guidelines regularly reminds them that they have a voice and helps increase awareness of the shared vision.
- Have class meetings on a regular basis to build connection, develop communication skills and have experiences solving their own and their peers’ real problems.
Can learning be fun and joyful? Amidst the increased rigor, additional high stakes testing, and required pacing guides it is harder to find joy in everyday teaching. Research by Taina Rantala (an elementary school principal) and Kaarina Maatta (a professor of psychology) indicates that joy is an important factor in learning. Here are a few things you might try:
- Be willing to be in the moment. There are lots of goofy things that happen during the day. Sometimes they are annoying but almost as often you can stop and appreciate your student’s creativity.
- Keep learning relevant to your students. How does the learning intersect with their lives? What stories can they tell that connect to the learning?
- Scaffold the learning so that each student can experience some success.
- Use encouragement instead of praise. Try saying, “I notice you finished your work” instead of, “Good job.”
- Invite time for self-reflection and group reflection. “Look what we’ve learned together.”
- Model and leave room for mistakes. Being able to learn from mistakes invites students to be able to take more and appropriate academic risks.
- Play and be playful. Reconnect to why you like to teach what you teach. When you share your joy of discovery and wonder your students will join you in the fun of learning.
- Grant students as much freedom as possible within classroom guidelines. It probably makes no difference to you if the assignment is done on blue or green paper, but allowing students to have options, creates joy in the air.
Being a parent probably takes a lot more hard work and patience than you imagined when you thought about having children. It also takes a lot of time in our lives – there are morning and bedtime routines, shopping, meal preparation, attending school events, other activities, and…and…and. With all of these obligations, we sometimes forget that we decided to have children because of the joy of being a family and raising small human beings. Here are some ideas for keeping joy alive:
- Slow down, and observe the joy your child experiences when learning something new, or doing an activity.
- Allot time to play whatever your child wants to play. Just join in and enjoy your child.
- Stop chasing your children’s imaginary future successes. Getting into the best college doesn’t guarantee your child a job, having a job doesn’t guarantee happiness. Enjoy where they are right now –the time goes by so quickly.
- Let go of perfection. It is way over-rated. Don’t keep a mental record of ‘wrongs’, especially your own parenting mistakes. Take the experience, acknowledge it, make a repair, learn from it.
- Build a tribe. Family time can be more fun with other families – have a monthly pizza night, a game night, a hike or softball game with neighbors or friends.
- Make some room for “adult only” time with the people you love; that might be with your partner, your best friends or your adult family members. Adult relationships need nourishing too.
Check in with yourself every so often: on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most joyful, ask yourself, “What is the level of joy I have in my current place in the parenting journey?” “What is one small thing I could do to bring a little more joy to myself, my child or my family?”
Social Emotional Learning (SEL) is now seen as a critical component for school success. It is not just one more add-on to your curriculum. It turns out to be an important foundation for students’ ability to learn and apply their learning to their lives. Emotional intelligence is strongly linked to staying in school, avoiding risky behaviors and improving health and happiness in life. Like all learning, growing emotional skills takes practice. Unlike other school curricula, much of this takes place outside the classroom. Yet it is still critical to build the skills and practice creating a community inside the classroom. Schools and educators can promote emotional intelligence by:
- Help students build their emotional vocabulary. Have students generate lists of feelings words. Make a feelings word wall of their ideas.
- Help students recognize feelings. Have them take pictures or draw faces of people experiencing different emotions. Make a feeling faces quilt.
- Use your reading and writing to explore feelings. Engage students in naming the feelings characters might be experiencing. “How do you think the character is feeling?”
- Invite reflection on learning. “What does this mean to you?” “How are you feeling about that?”
- Help students make connections between emotions and actions, and then engage them in problem solving.
- Teach self-regulation. Have a discussion with students about strong emotions like anger, disappointment or frustration, and generate a list of things they might do to calm down e.g. deep breaths, mindfulness, a cool-down space.
- Teach repair. Model making mistakes and fixing them. Encourage students to repair their own mistakes.
There are many resources for teaching these lessons in Positive Discipline in the Classroom Teachers’ Guide: Activities for Students including lessons on teaching feeling words, making a feeling faces quilt, problem solving, self-regulation and repairing mistakes.
There are many kinds of knowing. Research over the past 20 years tells us that knowing and understanding our emotions, emotional intelligence, is just as important as our intellectual intelligence. It involves understanding and being able to name our emotions as well as being able to use them productively in problem solving. Want to encourage this in your child? Here’s how:
- Acknowledge your child’s perspective and understand their feelings. This doesn’t mean you have to agree – it just means you understand your child’s take on a situation.
- Listen for the feelings underneath when your child is telling you about an experience. Often children tell us the “stuff” of the story without the emotions. Try saying, “Wow, you sound really excited about the field trip,” or “You are disappointed that it’s raining out and we can’t go outside.” This helps children become aware of and understand their own feelings.
- Allow expression of feelings positive or negative. Denying, disapproving or minimizing your children’s feelings communicates shame.
- Connect before you correct. You can say, “You are really mad at your brother for taking your toy, and its not ok to hit. How else can you let him know how you feel?”
- Teach problem solving. Allow children to experience strong emotions and move through them by sharing, talking, drawing a picture of them. Then, when they are ready, help them to come up with some solutions.
- Use your reading time. When you and your child are reading pause and wonder about what a character might be feeling. Did your child ever have similar feelings? How might the character solve his or her problem?
- Bedtime rituals. Invite your child to share something that made him feel frustrated or disappointed in the day and then something that he enjoyed or invited him to feel proud. Share your own set of stories.